Speaking Up is Hard to Do

In my role as a life coach for neurodivergent adults, I frequently hear of difficulties such

as those experienced by Jesse and Erika. Finding effective ways to speak up for ourselves is an essential skill for navigating jobs, education, adult services, relationships, and daily life. What are we doing to equip our teens and young adults to ask for what they need to manage the challenges they encounter?

It is very hard to admit when one needs help. The inner emotional voices of fear,

anxiety, frustration, anger--and even hope--are sometimes so loud they leave no room for logic and planning. Our harsh inner critics scream at us: If others can manage, why can’t we? Without assistance, we get caught in negative spirals, blaming ourselves for not being able to move forward.

Sometimes our minds go blank. It may be very hard to picture what we need or what

could help. Well-meaning others may try to step in with suggestions, but if those suggestions are too directive or bypass listening to our concerns, they are often counterproductive.

Neurodivergent solutions often need to look different than those for other people.

Problem solving steps may need to be smaller. Assistance may be needed coordinating multiple steps or regrouping to overcome unexpected obstacles. Social coaching may be needed to negotiate the nuances of various settings and contexts. One must be especially mindful not to overload the individual’s executive functioning, emotional regulation, and communication abilities.

Let’s face it, sometimes, we all could use an ally, someone we can trust to coregulate

these overwhelming emotions, organize our thoughts, and help us make a plan that feels potentially manageable.

One strategy that I sometimes utilize with my clients seems to help. Together, we begin

creating a document that externalizes the ideas up for discussion. Google Docs is a good tool for this because it is so easy to share and edit together, but pencil and paper can also work just fine. I may start by offering headings of main ideas, or a few trial sentences to get us going, but then I switch to listening to my client’s reactions. I begin to list phrases that capture my clients’ ideas and words.

Once their thoughts are tentatively voiced, my client and I can workshop the wording as

we go. I may say, “I don’t know what I think about this yet either, but let’s play around with it for a while.” This often relieves my client’s anxiety enough that they can concentrate on what they might want to ask, while not being buffeted by the unpredictability of other people's responses.

Spending time with the exploration process is important. Doing so seems to replace their screaming “no, I am too mad/scared/anxious” reflexive refrain, with an “I wonder what might happen if ….” mentality. Note the tentative nature of the wording. It is an exploration, not a commitment to action, and leaves the individual in control of what they are ready to do and how much risk they are ready to take.

One of my clients especially loves this technique. She says it helps anchor her focus

when her mind wants to wander. It clears space so she can find the calm between her often conflicting emotions. As we work together on the document, the problem visually becomes more manageable. She can more easily problem solve without getting trapped in negative spirals or nonproductive ruts.

Seeing their own logic organized and laid out in front of them makes my clients feel less

helpless. The document is something concrete they can consult to map their progress and to guide subsequent actions. When obstacles to the plan arise, the document serves as a grounding tool. It offers secure footing that helps them keep their balance instead of slipping back into a whirlpool of frustrated emotions.

I have used this pre-writing approach for a variety of life concerns. Sometimes it provides enough clarity in itself for the individual to continue on their own. If not, this scaffolding technique can be extended, exploring how the client could follow up with others to collaboratively solve the need my client has voiced.

Like any skill, self-advocacy can be taught and it improves with practice. As parents and

teachers, how can we cultivate the self-awareness, emotional regulation, and decision-making skills needed to help our folk become more confident in speaking up for themselves? Helping them slow down and identify their own thoughts and emotions is a start. Speaking up may indeed be hard to do, but it’s never too late to begin.

For further information or resources, you may wish to consult:

Autism Grown Up Resource Center. “Self-Advocacy Toolkit from the Lifespan Toolbox.” Autism Grown Up, 2021. https://www.autismgrownup.com/products/self-advocacy-toolkit. Accessed March 2, 2024.

Jan Starr Campito, M.S., M.Phil., is a life/college/career coach specializing in neurodiverse clients, especially those with autism or ADD. A frequent contributor to Autism Digest, her writing is shaped by her training in psychology, her coaching career, and her experience leading family support groups. Jan is the author of the book Supportive Parenting:

Becoming an Advocate for Your Child with Special Needs. Her book chapter on moving towards adulthood was included in A Spectrum of Solutions for Clients with Autism (edited by Rachel Bédard and Lorna Hecker, 2020). To contact Jan or to learn more about her nationally available coaching services, visit https://www.jancampito.com.